How Grief Affects the Brain and 6 Tips to Cope

Many of the sayings and concepts we hear about losing someone give the impression that grief is temporary and passes quickly. What is often overlooked in conversations about grief is that it’s an ongoing process—one that can last months or years.

Grief may leave us different than when it found us—emotionally and physically. It’s important to understand how grieving can change us. That way, we can better cope with it.

How Does Grief Affect the Brain?

Grief is known as a complex emotional state. Everyone can experience it differently. Common symptoms of grief can include distress, confusion, feelings of anxiety, dwelling on the past, and worry about the future. And research suggests that grief can affect the brain.

“There is still a lot we don’t know about how the brain functions,” says Katherine Shear, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at Columbia University and the founding director of the Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia School of Social Work. “That said, we do know that loss of a loved one and the grief response to that loss are both highly stressful—and stress changes the brain.”

Research suggests that chronic stress may shrink the parts of the brain involved in memory, learning, and emotion regulation.

What’s more, long-standing research suggests that grief prompts the brain to release more of the stress hormone cortisol. This may lead to interrupted sleep, reduced immune function, changes in heart rate and blood pressure, and other side effects.

It’s rare, but some people may even develop prolonged grief disorder, in which symptoms of grief continue for an extended period and impact one’s daily life. This is sometimes called complicated grief. People with this disorder may feel intense loneliness or pain, a sense of disbelief about the death, emotional numbness, or other difficulties for a longer period than is considered typical.

How to Cope with the Loss of a Loved One

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach for how to deal with grief or how to make the grieving process easier. But there are coping strategies you can try in ways that feel good to you.

Surround Yourself with Supporters, Not Fixers

When coping with a loss, it can be frustrating when loved ones try to fix the situation. While there’s no doubt they’re coming from a good place, they simply can’t fix what’s happened. What they can do is show up for you.

“Those who are bereaved require strong social support that is compassionate, tender, and not bookended,” says Joanne Cacciatore, Ph.D., a social work professor at Arizona State University and the founder of the MISS Foundation, a nonprofit that serves families impacted by traumatic grief.

“Grievers most want emotional support and emotional acts of caring more than any other type of support,” Cacciatore says. “They want others to listen to them, to ask about their beloved who died, and not to try to fix their grief.” 

If you’re grieving, try to surround yourself with loved ones who are good listeners (and don’t offer unsolicited advice). You might even tell a friend or family member “It’d be most helpful for me to vent right now. Do you mind just listening?”

Let Yourself Grieve in Ways That Feel Right

Grief looks different for everyone and may look different by the day. One day, you might experience grief by flipping through old photos and letting yourself cry. On other days, you might feel anger and listen to songs that express rage and frustration.

“Accept grief as a natural response to loss,” Shear says. “Judging it can make a loss more  difficult both psychologically and physically.” 

Allow your grief to take shape naturally. Do your best to practice self-compassion when you catch yourself judging your emotional responses. You might say positive things to yourself like “I am allowed to grieve freely” or follow up negative thoughts with positive or neutral ones.

…But Allow Yourself to Feel Joy

When you’re grieving, it’s common to experience guilt, especially during times you might be experiencing joy. You might worry that it’s wrong to have positive emotions when coping with loss or feel bad that your loved one isn’t there to experience a happy moment with you. 

However, embracing the positives in your life is a necessary part of finding hope and healing. Allow yourself to be an active participant in these moments. One way to do that is by staying present. Engage your senses and observe what’s around you.

Create Small Rituals to Remember Your Loved One

Honoring the person who has died in small, meaningful ways can help you keep their memory alive while maintaining a routine, which may help you manage stress and anxiety during hard times.

Say you used to enjoy your morning coffee with the person you’ve lost. You can continue that ritual and spend the first few minutes, as you take your first few sips, reflecting on a positive memory of your loved one.

Take Care of Your Mind and Body

Given the physical changes and side effects that may be associated with grief, it’s especially important to take care of your health. Small steps such as drinking enough water, nourishing your body with regular meals, and practicing good sleep hygiene can support you during this tough time.

Get Mental Health Support

The truth about grief is that it doesn’t just end. You won’t wake up one day and no longer mourn the loss you’ve experienced. But grief and the complicated emotions associated with it can become more manageable, especially with the right supports in place. 

  If you notice your mental health has been suffering—or simply want extra support—it’s always a good idea to reach out to a mental health professional. You can make an appointment with a therapist or grief counselor. You may also look for grief support groups in your area. There are plenty of ways to get the help you need and deserve.

You May Also Like: 

• INFOGRAPHIC: A Guide to Getting Through Grief
• Feel Less Lonely: How to Make Friends and Be More Connected
• Life After Loss: How to Get Through Grief