ARTICLEWELL-BEING

4 Signs Your Therapist Is the Right Fit for You

By Josey Murray

October 02, 2024

Starting therapy is a big step in prioritizing yourself and your mental well‑being. It takes time to find a therapist who meets your needs, accepts your insurance, and fits into your schedule. As you attend your first few appointments, it’s important to think about whether this is the right therapist for you to see long-term.

“It's extremely important to find the right fit for a therapist,” says Omar Manejwala, M.D., board-certified psychiatrist, a distinguished fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, author of the book, Craving: Why We Can’t Seem to Get Enough, and chief medical officer at Dario. Research suggests that therapy outcomes largely depend on a sense of rapport between the therapist and the client, or how well you two are getting along.

According to Manejwala, rapport is established when there’s empathy, agreement on goals, and a sense of collaboration between the client and the therapist. It’s what makes therapy work.

Here are some important signs your therapist is the right fit for you and that you’re building that all-important rapport.

1. You Feel Safe During Therapy Sessions

It’s hard to be vulnerable and share the intimate details of your life and struggles, so you want to feel safe when you’re in therapy sessions.

Manejwala recommends asking yourself how much you feel like your therapist empathizes with you. That climate of understanding and trust is built when a therapist validates your emotions and experiences and shows you that they have your best intentions in mind.

Try asking yourself these questions to figure out if therapy feels safe to you:

Do I feel that my therapist really listens to me?
Do I feel that my therapist empathizes with me?
Do they remember my life story enough to continue my healing at each session?

If the answer is yes to these questions, your therapist is likely successfully creating a safe environment for you.

Feeling safe can also mean that you’re comfortable in the physical environment of your therapist’s office (whether it’s remote or in-person). If you attend therapy in person, is their office inviting and warm for you, instead of clinical and sterile? Does your therapist create an easy and welcoming remote environment?

There may also be parts of your identity that you want to make sure your therapist respects, for example, your gender, race, culture, sexuality, and/or religion. If they don’t seem to understand where you’re coming from or respect a part of your identity, it will be difficult to get comfortable with them.

For example, research suggests that having a therapist of the same race or ethnicity can improve therapeutic outcomes. This doesn’t mean that your therapist has to share attributes with you. But they do need to be sensitive to your background and experiences and show you empathy.

2. You’re Getting More and More Comfortable Opening Up

With time, your comfort will grow if it's the right fit.

“You should feel more and more over time like you’re comfortable opening up and sharing parts of yourself that you might not have originally,” says Manejwala. He says that this is probably the most significant marker for knowing if a therapist is the right fit for you.

At any time in your therapy journey, check in on your comfort level by asking yourself these questions, Manejwala suggests:

Are there things that I told myself I wasn't going to share but ended up sharing?
Are there parts of me that I’ve shown to this person that I haven’t shown to others?
If I had a challenge or struggle that’s a secret or something I’m afraid of, would I feel comfortable talking to this person about it?

You want to answer yes to these questions and to generally feel comfortable talking about challenges or struggles.

3. Your Therapist Is Open to Feedback

You should be able to talk to your therapist about how well therapy is going and what could change to make it more helpful to you.

This is important because the goals of therapy often change or evolve over time. Manejwala says that giving feedback allows you and your therapist to adjust your therapy goals to your evolving needs.

For example, some people may come into therapy to work on marital issues, but then their goal changes to building the courage to ask for a divorce. A therapist should be non-judgmental and open to making that change, says Manejwala.

A good therapist knows that changes are essential to your care. They should help you share your thoughts and be receptive when you do share them. Maybe they even prompt a check-in with how therapy is working for you.

4. They Can Navigate Conflict with You

Your relationship with your therapist isn’t going to be perfect. “A lot of the issues that come up for people repeatedly in romantic relationships and in familial relationships will also pop up in therapy,” says Manejwala. This may give your therapist insight into how you relate to other people.

“Maybe you're someone who, when you're scared, tends to blow up and get angry,” Manejwala says, as an example. “And then it comes up in the therapy, and you get mad at the therapist over something, and you storm out.”

When conflict like this comes up, look at how your therapist handles it. A skilled therapist can use a situation like this to better understand you and guide you to more helpful ways of communicating and relating.

You won’t leave every session happier or “better,” but you should leave every session feeling safe, respected, and heard. You should trust your therapist and feel that they have your best interest in mind.

Remember: It’s completely okay not to get it right the first time around. If you don’t think your therapist is a good fit, find another one. The experience of having the wrong therapist will help you understand what you value and need in a therapeutic relationship.